Eight letters, one word- INTIMACY

Just like the eight letters, three words- I LOVE YOU; these eight letters, one word- INTIMACY holds the same level of importance in any sort of relationship. Intimacy is developed over a period when people spend quality time with each other. Throughout a relationship, intimacy grows stronger connecting us to our person, creating a comfortable space void of shame.

In our generation, where we expect everything to be served to us within 2 minutes, where we prefer technology as a solution to our problems, where we prefer kraft dinner over a proper home-cooked meal, we expect to find the person for our perfect relationship and develop intimacy within the first three dates. Being intimate with a person is not only about being able to have sex with them. Intimacy is more than being physical with each other. Intimacy is emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical. A lot of couple’s face trouble in forming or even maintaining intimacy with each other. Certain rocks that can hinder achieving intimacy are conflicts, stress, communication problems and fear of being vulnerable.

We are afraid of sharing our opinions with our partner as it may give rise to a conflict amongst us. We all are allowed to have our own opinions and own up to them. We also have the right to be able to share our opinions with our partner and discuss them. Often people lack the grounds of communication, which give rise to misunderstandings, conflicts, judgement, and fights. Being able to communicate with our partner is as important as spending time with them. People who are afraid to open up to their partners about their feelings and emotions often have trouble with intimacy. This response could be because of past traumas or poor previous experiences in relationships with people from their past. Due to which they end up building a brick wall around them and fear opening to new people as they do not wish to get hurt again. To maintain and build any sort of relationship whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, we all need to have intimacy. This blog focuses on intimacy among partners who are dating or in a relationship. You can read more about intimacy and friendship in my previous blog friendtimacy, which talks about developing intimacy among friends and how to build and maintain friendships over time.

Intimacy is about connecting with your own self and your partner with a present of mind, soul and spirit. There are six ideal ways to develop this intimacy- vulnerability, experimenting, new projects, mental stability, building safe space, and showing gratitude. Vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand. You should open up to your partner and learn new things about each other. One can do so by having deep conversations with their partners. Two people don’t have to be similar or have common things amongst them to build a relationship. All you need is patience and an open mind to be able to converse your interests with each other, learn new ideas and find some common ground.

Repeating old activities with your partner can make your relationship boring and it may also weaken it. It is necessary for both parties to try new things and spice up one’s life. Don’t go on the same typical dates. A lot of people in relationships these days end up repeating basic dates like Netflix & chill, going for dinner or cafes. In this manner, you keep learning the same things about each other and don’t find anything new. It is necessary for both to explore new things and activities. When I mention trying new activities, I emphasize the novelty in these activities for both parties as well, neither should be pros. It will create a space of equality, you will have to rely on each other, be comfortable around each other and intimacy will begin to develop. In such a way, you are exposing yourself to one another.

As I mentioned earlier, intimacy is also about your connection with your own self. We all tend to manage three kinds of relationships in our life- relationship with our partner, relationship with your career and relationship with yourself. Starting a new project with your partner can be exciting and a way to connect with yourself as well as your partner at same time. You can plan to spend quality time with each other, discuss new topics, host events to meet new people and other couples, join a workshop together, etc. Projects give you a tangible direction to achieve short- and long-term goals. Often at the beginning of dating, we are all lost and confused. We don’t have a purpose behind dating a new person, whether we are seeing this person casually for fun or to actually be in a relationship with them. Having these projects gives you a purpose to set goals in a relationship such as dating each other, telling each other you love them, to move in together, to get engaged or get married.

While building intimacy with your partner, one needs to be mentally stable and develop a balance in life. Often finding out what your love language is, and sharing it with your partner can help to strengthen your relationship. Being able to develop and share mutual thoughts and finding what brings mental peace in your relationship and achieving things together can significantly bring you and your partner closer to each other at an emotional level.

To build an emotional connection with any person, one should bring an open mind, positivity and a safe space. You are allowed to have your own opinions and stand by them. But do have the compassion to listen to other people and don’t retaliate. When having true deeper conversations about each other and especially their past, do not judge them based on personal biases, be empathetic and understand where it is that they are coming from. You should feel safe and free to express your true self. When you judge the other person or pass statements, it will end up making your partner more quiet and less honest with you as they might be afraid to express who they are. This definitely affects the trust bond too. So, listen, allow, let them express. Before jumping to any conclusions or disagreements, take a pause and question where the thought is coming from.

Along with developing a safe space and positivity around mental stability, expressing gratitude to your partner for their actions is necessary. Some of you may wonder, do I have to thank my partner for every small thing they do for me? Well, the simple answer is yes. Take every opportunity to thank your partner and express how it makes you feel, don’t hold back and have no regrets. It keeps reminding your partner how amazing they are and how grateful you feel to have them in your life.

Round the clock, intimacy is meant to grow and not stop. Bring new experience, education, try experimenting, host events and always keep it entertaining to keep intimacy growing. In the end, I would like to leave a quote and question. Buddha once said, if you like a flower, you pluck it. If you love a flower, you water it. When you stop watering the flower, it stops growing and dies. So, you either can revive the flower or go buy a new one. Intimacy and relationships are the same way, you need to keep putting effort into it together. And when you stop, it dies. Now the real question is, do you want to choose learning and growing together with this person or you want to end it and go find a replacement?